The Hamster Wheel

1/?

The bell rings over the intercom. A figure in a dark hoodie slinks out of the classroom door and through the hallways at Hands Mill High School. The halls are crowded with kids all squeezing their way through the doors. The figure shoves open the door to the bus lot outside, and she squints her eyes as the warm, humid spring air wraps around her and the sun burns her eyes. She’s half-asleep on the bus ride home. She’s half-asleep as she trudges into the house. She dives into her unmade bed, the door slamming behind her. Curtains drawn. Music up loud. Wrapped into the unwashed covers. She mindlessly snacks on chips while scrolling on her phone, each crunch dropping crumbs onto her blankets. More of the same. She hears the sisters bantering in the hallway as they walk into one of their rooms, then she hears the door close. More of the same. Her mom gets home, but she hears no voice welcoming her. More of the same. Her dad gets home, but she hears no voice welcoming him. It's getting late. 2:04 AM. The shameful ritual begins again, she blinks, and it ends. As tears well up in her eyes, she rolls over and passes out. Josie wakes up before she even realizes she fell asleep. 6:12 AM. Not again. The sisters are hanging out in the kitchen. Josie can hear them talking, one voice in some kind of exaggerated southern accent, while she wrestles with the fact that she has to get out of bed sooner or later, as the dim rising sun tries to force its way through her blackout curtains. Her eyes literally feel like they're hollow. Eventually she yanks the heavy blankets off of herself and rolls out of her bed and shuffles over to her mirror, absent-mindedly kicking over an empty can that was sitting on the floor in the half-darkness. She stares blankly at her ghoulish reflection. Good enough I guess. She throws her hood up over her head and slips into the bathroom invisibly, and half-asses a toothbrushing. Yuck. She hides out in her room until it's time for the bus to pull up. Then she climbs onto it and drops into the back seat. The sisters sit a few seats up together on the opposite side. She’s curled up in the seat, trying to fall back asleep just for a bit longer before the day, but the bus hits a pothole which makes her head hit the window glass, jolting her awake. With glazed-over eyes, she gazes over at the sisters. One well dressed in a sweater and skirt and tennis shoes, one dressed in Realtree and leather boots. They giggle at something together. What's so funny. The bus passes an older nice house with a German flag waving on the porch. The sister in the sweater follows it intently with her eyes as they ride past. Just like she did yesterday. And the day before that. The other laughs and says “Ew. Europoors.” The first rolls her eyes. So does Josie. She closes her eyes. After a moment she opens them. They drift to the sisters again. Their outfits, distinct but cute in their own ways. Their matching wavy blond hair. Their blue eyes. Their clear skin is only disturbed, hardly, by light freckles around their noses and eyes. God I hate them. They get off the bus and walk into the school together. Josie in her head, trailing behind them. The other two are still talking about some stupid shit probably. The sisters stop and turn around. Josie, head down, walks right between them. The sweater sister, Hanna, puts her hand on Josie’s shoulder and stops her. Josie stops, for a moment, and then slowly looks up at Hanna without turning her body. "Josie. I have a soccer game tonight. Are you coming?" The Realtree sister, Annie, smiles. "I am. You should too." Josie ignores Annie and continues to stare up at Hanna, whose head is tilted to one side with a slight smile. Annie bounces up and down. "It'll be fun, come on!" "I don't know. Maybe." Josie looks back down at the ground. Hanna purses her lips. "Don't you wanna get out more?" Josie sighs. "I don’t know. I guess." "Well here you go." "It's a soccer game." "It's something though." "I don't know." "Okay. Well, think about it." Josie walks off without saying anything. The sisters watch her disappear down a hallway. Annie turns to Hanna. "What does she want." "I don't know. I kind of worry about her though." "Me too. But like, what can we do." They pause. Hanna sighs, then breaks the silence. "You’re right." They look in the direction Josie left in, at nothing in particular. Kids rush by them like gnats. Josie trudges down the dim, dingy hallway into the classroom. English. Her sunken eyes are almost blinded by the fluorescent lights as she enters. She drops her bookbag onto the ground beside her usual desk, the one in the far back right corner. She slips into the chair and puts her head down. The headache is already starting. Great. The chatter of her classmates around her is almost deafening. Chatter about stuff they did over the weekend, girls they're talking to, boys they're talking to, blah blah blah. Shut up. Shut the hell up. She's angry but tears well up in her eyes under her hood. She can't even contain it. They drop onto the surface of the desk. Silently. The chatter callously continues. Until the teacher finally begins his lecture. Nap time. The voices gradually melt away into auditory mush. But soon she's nudged awake by the door opening, then gently closing, and sudden silence from the teacher. A deep, yet nasally raspy voice speaks up. "This is English, right? Mr. Anderson?" A brief pause. The class collectively looks back at him. He just stands in the doorway staring blankly at Mr. Anderson, his bookbag looking like a big snail shell on his back. "Ah, you're Jeremy. I just got an email this morning that you'd be joining us. Why don't you take that seat next to... her." He points to the empty desk next to Josie. Josie peeks between the gap in her hood and her arm when she hears the hesitancy. Typical. Jeremy–almost comically tall, lanky, flat black hair that falls in an odd arrangement in front of his face–lumbers over and sets his bookbag on the floor next to the desk. It flops over and touches Josie's bookbag. She grumbles, inaudibly, but doesn't do anything about it. He pulls out his laptop and gently sets it on the desk in front of him and opens it up. Josie gets a feeling. A feeling she's all too familiar with, but a feeling not normally–or rather, no longer–triggered by real people. She looks back at Jeremy beside her, face still mostly buried in her arms. Oh. He's cute. He has a sharp jaw from being underweight and a tired and thoughtful look about him. His eyes squint intently at his laptop screen. Fingers on the W, A, S, and D keys. Josie discreetly peers over at his screen. Factorio. He's playing Factorio. She musters up the courage to whisper something. Anything. It hardly comes out. "Is that Factorio?" He doesn't react. She admits defeat. Sigh. Nap time. Again. She's jolted awake again when the class, seemingly all at once, gets up from their desks and starts packing up. Dazed, she looks around the room. Jeremy's utility pole figure towers above her. He glances down at her. She gazes back up at him. Into his eyes. He wriggles into his snail shell bookbag. "Hey." Josie damn near chokes on her own drool, but catches herself. "Oh. Hey." "What's your name." Oh my god it's happening. "Um, Josie." "Cool. I'm Jeremy." "Cool." Factorio. "Yeah." "Um. Uh what was that game you were playing earlier. On your computer." "Oh. It's called Factorio. It's pretty fun." "I heard about it." "Yeah. I like it." "That's cool." He turns to leave. Josie stands up suddenly and throws on her bookbag. "Well um. Are you new here?" He turns back. "Yeah. Just moved." "Oh um. Where from?" "Charlotte." "Oh. That's cool. I was born there." Jeremy's facial expression is as neutral as ever. "Cool." A pause. "Oh well um what class do you have next?" Jeremy takes one step backwards. "AP Calc." Josie's eyes widen. "AP Calc? Like, calculus? Wait, what grade are you in?" Jeremy takes another step back. "Eleventh." "Oh. Wow, okay. Um... uh..." I want to walk with you to your class. No. Too fast. But... "Okay well I gotta go. We got a test." He turns around and starts walking off. "Oh um.. okay.. bye.." She has to stand there and recuperate for a minute. Mr. Anderson eyes her from his desk. She notices. She leaves. At lunch, Josie sits alone at the edge of a long table, hyper-analyzing her exchange with Jeremy. She replays it. One step backwards. It stings. She sits for a minute, staring blankly at the cold hard lunch table. Then slips back into her mind. "...For better, for worse..." "...In sickness and in health..." I'm sick. She blinks and snaps out of it and glances over to the activity nearby. To her right, several, well more like seven, seats down, there's a group of girls. Soccer girls. Probably laughing about-wait... Hanna isn't with them. Odd. She sits there for a while longer. Gets bored. Then she gets up and wanders out the cafeteria to the bathroom. Not because she has to use it, but because that's just where she goes. Normally she hides out in a stall, scrolls on her phone, and loses track of time. But this time she walks in and hears retching. Then vomit landing in the water. It reverberates off the walls. Her eyes widen and she slows her roll. She slowly peers into the open stall. Hanna? She's on her knees, hunched over the toilet. Josie stares for a minute. Then slowly turns to leave. As she does, Hanna tears off a piece of toilet paper, wipes her mouth, and flushes the toilet. Josie gasps and practically sprints out. Hanna glances back. Wipes her mouth with her wrist. "Ugh. Hello?" Josie stands in the hallway outside the bathroom, staring at the floor. The smell is still in her nose. Wow. As the day drags on, Jeremy is ever-present in her mind. Ugh. Class lets out, and she trudges outside to the bus lot, the final trial of the school day. On the hill next to the bus lot, she glances to her left at the small tree where the twins usually wait. But they’re not there. She scans the crowd of kids below, and spots him, on his phone, unbothered by the adolescent mayhem around him. She takes a single step forward. The wind carelessly throws her hair in front of her face. She's too focused to realize. Tall. He towers above most of the kids crowded under the awning, even while hunching over his phone like a candy cane. A blond-haired girl walks by him and stops. She looks up at him. She says something. He replies. Nausea swells in Josie's stomach at the sight. She grits her teeth, but her mouth is closed. He's mine, bitch. She watches him stoop down a bit and put his ear closer to her face. The nausea cranks up another notch. Stop it. Please. "Wait, what did you say? Chapter 5?" "Yeah. Chapter 5." "Okay. I guess I can send you a picture of my notes." "Alright, thank youuu Jeremy. You're the best." "Yeah. No problem." The girl walks off. He's back on his phone. Josie is shaking now. What did she want? Ugh. Bitch. She watches him. Glued to his phone. She spots the girl. Walking over to another group of girls. She joins them in their conversation. What the fuck dude. I don't even know her I don't even know HIM. A bus pulls in. He looks up. Allows a line to form in front of him. And he boards it last. Goodbye. She watches the bus as it slowly pulls out of the bus lot. Then sighs. She’s startled by a buzz in her pocket. Her heart beats a bit faster as she pulls up her phone. A text from Annie. are u coming to the soccer field She responds: is hanna there A short wait later: no but shes on her way ok so are u coming Josie doesn't respond. Her bus pulls in. She boards it. Last. As the rocking of the bus lulls her to a drained, caffeine-withdrawal half-sleep, Josie's mind jumps between two things. Jeremy. Hanna throwing up. She pulls her phone out of her pocket again and stares blankly at Annie's text. so are u coming Easy excuse. i dont feel good sorry Her thumb hovers over the send button. She puts her phone face down on the seat beside her. It buzzes. Her heart races for a second again. what were u typg typing Josie exhales and rolls her eyes. She sends the message. Annie responds immediately: ok i hope u feel better soon Josie turns her phone screen off and shoves it in her hoodie pouch, pulls her hood over her head tighter, and curls up against the window in the vinyl bus seat. It's warm from the early spring sun. Annie. Ugh. Please leave me alone. The bus rocks her to sleep. She wakes up to the bus slowing down and its brakes squeal to a halt at the top of Josie's street. Her eyes crack open and she gazes out the window for a second before putting on her bookbag and squeezing through the cramped aisle to get off the bus. She trudges down the side of the street, glancing at the empty plastic bottles and wrappers scattered in the ditch to her right. The clear blue sky, almost-setting afternoon sunlight, early spring cool wind, and baby green leaves on the trees that line the street are all practically screaming joy at Josie, but obviously she doesn't take notice. She heaves herself onto the doorstep, fishes her key out of her pocket, and unlocks the door. It creaks open, revealing their empty living room. She exhales all of the built up tension of the day and steps inside, kicking the door shut behind her. It reverberates through the quiet house. Josie closes her eyes and stands there for a moment, basking in the silence that’s only broken by the humming fridge in the kitchen and the ticking clock hanging on the wall beside the stairs. She looks down at a pair of leather boots sitting by the door. Beside them a pair of pristine white tennis shoes. She looks at her own feet. Worn out slides and mismatching socks. She hikes up the stairs and wanders down the unlit hallway and flings open the door to her room, drops her bookbag on the floor with a thud, and collapses face-first onto her unmade bed. Her slides slip off her feet. Crumbs fall out of the sheets onto the floor. The sun sets as the images in her mind begin to scatter, harder to catch, and she soon falls asleep. Again. She awakens to a dark room with the only light coming from the crack under her door from the hallway light. She can hear Annie and Hanna’s muffled voices talking and laughing. Her stomach growls. She realizes she hasn’t eaten today. Josie slowly opens the door to the bright hallway, squinting her eyes, and peers out to make sure the coast is clear. She gently lowers herself down each step on the staircase. When she reaches the kitchen, she sees her mom sitting at the table with her glasses off and her head in her hands, silent. Her dad fills up the recliner in the dark living room, his face only illuminated by the blue glow of the TV, and still wearing his work uniform. Josie sneaks by her mom and snatches a cold slice of pizza from the pizza box that’s sitting on the counter. Her mom hears her and looks back slowly and sniffles. “Oh. Hey Josie.” Josie is unfazed, walking right past her back towards the stairs “Hey.” “How was school?” “Fine.” Josie starts back up the stairs. “You weren’t at Hanna’s game.” “Didn’t feel well.” Josie continues up the stairs, pizza in hand. Her mom says something but she pretends she didn’t hear and continues back to her room. She gets into her bed, struggles to untangle the blankets into something comfortable while balancing the pizza, and turns on her laptop, illuminating the whole room with a dim blue. She nibbles the pizza without tasting it. After some time zoning out in front of YouTube, she gets up to go to the bathroom. She leaves without washing her hands, and runs into Annie in the hallway. “Oh. Hey Josie! Are you feeling better?” “Oh. Uh, yeah. A bit.” “That’s good. You know there’s some pizza down-” “I know.” “Okay, well, we’re just hangin’ out in Hanna’s-” “Why do you do that.” “Uh, do what?” “That gross accent. It pisses me off. Just talk normally.” “I… am… talking normally…” “No you’re not. You put on an accent. None of us sound like that.” “Um, yeah we do…” “No, we don’t.” “Um. Okay. Well. Anyway, we're just hang-ING out in Hanna’s room if you wanna join.” Josie stares blankly with her mouth slightly open. “I’m good.” Josie turns to walk back to her room when she hears Hanna’s voice from her room. “Is that Josie? Josie, come in here for a second.” Josie groans, then the bathroom scene from earlier sneaks into her mind. She remembers the sound. The smell. Hanna’s exasperated, raspy voice as she called out to whoever was there. A wash of heat goes down her spine and her eyes widen. She looks back at Annie. Annie shrugs and starts back toward Hanna’s room. Josie reluctantly follows behind. The two enter one by one. The room is warmly lit with a lamp and it smells like sweet perfume. It’s perfectly organized and spotless. Her desk is tidy with a few textbooks stacked on top of each other, and her laptop sitting closed, charging, with a Hands Mill High School girls’ soccer sticker on the lid. It’s been years since Josie has seen Hanna’s room. Annie leans up against Hanna’s bed. Josie awkwardly stands in the doorway. Hanna is sitting on her knees in front of her mirror, brushing her hair. She doesn’t turn to face Josie. Annie looks at the ceiling for a minute, then the textbooks, then finally at Josie. Josie takes a few steps into the room, then turns toward Hanna. She shrugs and looks to the side. “I’m here. What.” "Josie, you didn't come to my soccer game." Josie's eyes shift around. "Yeah, I um–" Annie, looking at Hanna’s face in the mirror, defends her. "Oh, she wasn't feeling well." Josie's eyes dart to the floor. "Yeah." Silence for a second. Hanna, smiles and scoffs. "You never feel well. And it's always before something like this. My soccer game." "I.. really was feeling sick. I'm sorry..." "I wouldn't mind that you missed it if that was really true. But you lied." "It is true!" Hanna turns around to look at Josie in the eyes. "Well you've been cured pretty quickly!" Annie furrows her brow and looks at the floor. "Hanna stop." They both ignore her. Josie huffs. "Why don't you believe me?" Hanna rolls her eyes. "Because you do this stuff all the time! Literally anything other than sitting in your room, you make up an excuse to get out of. You lie. To us. To Mom and Dad. Just to what, lay in your bed and rot all day?" Josie starts gritting her teeth behind her outwardly emotionless face. Hanna pauses, takes a deep breath, then continues. "Josie. I love you. I-" Josie snaps back. "No you don't." Hanna snaps back just as fast. "Yes, I do! I just want you to, you know, be honest with us, and like, do stuff with us." Josie rolls her eyes. "Why would I ever want to do that." A pause. "Yall act like you’re not even my sisters." Hanna frowns and looks at Annie. Annie’s eyes meet Hanna’s, then she sighs and looks at the ground and leans deeper against Hanna's neatly made bed. The box spring squeaks a bit. "We're trying to help you. We miss you." Annie nods, still looking at the floor. Hanna continues. “We don’t like the person you’re becoming.” Josie practically growls, grits her teeth harder, and rolls her eyes. "It's always this shit. Always." She waits for a response. Nothing. Josie sighs and turns to leave. "Bye." Hanna takes a deep breath and sighs as Josie begins walking out, then slowly turns back to her mirror and resumes the hair brushing. "Alright. We’ll be here when you’re done jerking off." Josie whips around in the doorway and glares at Hanna under her thick greasy hair. "Fuck you. Fuck you Hanna." Annie stands stick straight. Hanna is silent. The brush glides through her hair. Josie stares holes through Hanna for a moment, then grits her teeth even harder and inhales sharply. Then she drops the bomb. "I saw you in the bathroom today, with your fingers down your throat throwing up." Annie's eyes widen. The brush stops midway through Hanna’s hair. Her face drops. She turns around to face Josie. "..What?" Josie, her smirk hardly noticeable, doubles down. "You're bulimic. Aren't you." Tears start welling up in Hanna's eyes. She tries to say something but can't. Josie stays silent. Gotcha. Hanna turns away from them both and starts silently bawling on the floor, her wavy blond hair creating a curtain over her face. Annie stares dumbfounded at Josie, looks at Hanna, looks back at Josie. "She's what? Bulimic?" Josie sharply exhales from her nose and tries to stop herself from cracking a smile. "Yeah. Throwing up in the school bathroom." Hanna finally catches a breath and sniffs, wipes the hair out of her face, and looks up at Josie. Her face is red and her cheeks are streaked with tears. She tries to yell between sniffs and exhales. "Josie what the fuck. Why would you say that." Josie stands there, expressionless. Annie does the same and looks at the floor. Hanna catches another breath. "Get out. Both of you." Annie almost jumps. "What did I do?" Hanna snaps. "Get. Out." Josie slowly turns away without saying anything and leaves out the door. Annie does the same with her head down. Annie stops and turns around. "I'm sorry." Hanna doesn't respond. Annie glances at the floor and purses her lips. She slowly shuts the door. Josie and Annie stand out in the hallway in silence, both looking at the floor. After a moment, Annie speaks up. “What… was that? I’ve never seen her cry.” Josie turns her head away from Annie and cracks a slight smile. “Me neither.” Annie points at Josie’s mouth, her arm stuck straight out like a little kid’s. “You’re smiling! Why are you smiling!” Josie tries and fails to frown to hide it. “I’m not smiling.” “Yes you are!” “No I’m not.” “Josie, you're smiling.” Josie turns her head back to Annie and glares at her, her face inches from Annie’s. “No. I’m not.” Annie, wide-eyed, stares back at her. Josie’s breath sits in her nose for longer than comfortable. “Okay.” Josie relaxes and turns to start walking back toward her room. Annie follows at a safe distance. “Um. What’s bulimic?” Josie sighs. “Can you fuck off please?” “But what is it?” “Fucking look it up.” Annie stops following. “Josie, what are you doing.” “Walking back to my room.” “I mean, like, why are you such an asshole.” Josie stops. “I’m not.” “You made Hanna cry. She never cries.” Josie glances back at Annie. “And?” “That’s an asshole thing to do!” “That’s what she gets.” Annie’s mouth falls open. “For what? She didn’t even DO anything!” Josie finally turns back to fully face Annie. “Annie. She is constantly doing this stuff and yelling at me that I need to do this and do that. I’m convinced she tries to get me to go do stuff with her like go to her stupid soccer game because she knows I hate it. She knows I’m gonna hate it.” “Are you serious?” “What.” “She loves you.” Josie rolls her eyes so hard they hurt. “Oh. My god.” “Josie, I’m serious. I love you too. And I just-” Josie almost starts laughing. Annie grabs Josie’s arms. Josie instinctively pulls away. Annie doesn’t let her go, and looks Josie directly in the eyes. “Josie, seriously. I don’t know how else to make you understand this. We are worried. Why do you shut us out?” Josie stares at Annie for a moment. Annie softens her grip. “I…” Annie’s face softens. Josie’s does the opposite. “I wish yall would just leave me alone. How come suddenly yall are all worried about me after not caring for forever. Quit trying to wiggle your way into my life. Leave me alone.” Annie drops her arms and looks down at the floor. Josie turns around fast and enters her dark room. The door slams behind her. Annie is left in the hallway, and she lets out a defeated sigh. Face down in her pillow, Josie’s eyes slowly fill with tears, while in the next room over, Hanna’s have already dried. Too soon, Josie wakes up to the sun once again trying to force its way through her curtains, but her room is still dim. She can hear one of the others brushing her teeth in the bathroom through the wall. She glances at the clock. 6:21 AM. She groans as she rolls over and buries her face in her pillow. It smells like greasy hair. As she lays there, she considers Jeremy. What if we kiss. He’ll see and smell my hair. This is enough to prompt her to roll out of the bed and grab her hairbrush off her cluttered, unused desk and kick another can over on the way out the door. The hallway is dark but the warm light from Hanna’s room at the end gently pours out into it, contrasting with the harsh white overhead light that pours out from Annie’s cracked door. Josie shuffles into the bathroom, hairbrush in hand. The bathroom door is open and Hanna is brushing her teeth. She slows to a stop when she looks over and sees Josie. Josie looks up at her. “Are you almost done.” Hanna looks at the mirror. Josie looks back down at the floor. And turns away and shuffles back to her room. She stands there in the dark for a moment, replaying the scene from last night in her head. Remorse creeps up on her again. And tears well in her eyes. Again. She hears the water in the bathroom stop, then Hanna tapping her toothbrush on the edge of the sink. She listens for Hanna’s footsteps disappearing into her room. And then she slips into the hallway and back into the bathroom. Her hair is tangled as she tries to brush it out, getting caught in little knots. The steam from the hot water running in the shower is filling the room. She gives up on brushing and just gets in the shower. It’s getting late anyway. Immediate trance. Soon, she hears knocking on the bathroom door, then Annie’s voice. “Who’s in there? I gotta brush my teeth and stuff!” “Piss off, Annie.” “Josie? How much longer?” “I don’t know.” “Okay well I gotta brush my teeth and stuff!” No response from Josie. She scrubs her hair with shampoo, but forgets to condition it. It’s the first time in a while. She gets out and dries off and grabs the hairdryer from the shelf and sloppily blowdries her hair. It’s the first time in a while. When she’s done, she wipes off the middle of the foggy mirror and looks at her reflection and stares at it for a moment, her hair falling in damp light brown curls around her face. Oh. She begins half-assing a toothbrushing but in the middle of it her mind goes to Jeremy once again. She doesn’t half-ass it this time. She turns toward the door to leave, grabbing the doorknob, but glancing back at her reflection one last time. Oh. She pushes open the door and is met with Annie, fully dressed except for her shoes, staring at her in the hallway. Josie ignores her and walks into her room and shuts the door behind her and starts to get dressed. She reaches for a pair of navy blue joggers and hesitates before grabbing them and putting them on. Random black T-shirt, hesitates again. The oversized grey hoodie is glanced at, but never picked up. She sits on her bed and scrolls on her phone until her stomach audibly growls. She glances up at nothing. She can hear Hanna downstairs frying eggs while Annie is still brushing her teeth in the bathroom. Josie sighs and stands up and slowly walks to her door, standing in front of it for a moment before ripping it open. She can hear Hanna downstairs even clearer now. Her breathing is slightly heavier. She tiptoes down the stairs and peeks at Hanna. Hanna doesn’t notice her yet. Josie stands there for a moment. Hanna happens to turn around and freezes when she sees her. “Good morning Josie.” “Hey.” Josie slowly walks over to the table while Hanna resumes making breakfast. “Hey. Um. I’m sorry about last night.” Hanna doesn’t look back at her. “What?” Josie pauses for a second. “The argument.” Hanna shrugs. “I don’t really know what you’re talking about.” Josie looks down at the table. “Okay.” The two of them can hear thumping footsteps grow louder above them, then behind them, and soon Annie appears at the foot of the stairs. “What’s up!” Hanna looks over her shoulder and smiles. “You’re pretty cheerful this morning.” Josie stays put. “This boy just messaged me from my history class.” Hanna stops to turn around. “Really? What’s his name?” “Jeremy!” Josie’s heart drops. No. She turns to face Annie. Hanna smiles wider. “Is he cute?” Annie looks at the floor and smiles awkwardly. “Um, yeah, I guess.” Hanna walks over to the fridge and opens it for some orange juice while snickering at Annie. “You think he’s cute.” Annie sways side to side, still staring at the floor. “...Yeah.” Josie’s blood is boiling at this point. I fucking dare you. Hanna pours two glasses of juice and sets them on the table behind where Josie is standing. Two glasses. Hanna goes back to the counter and brings over two plates of food and sets them on the table. Two plates. Hanna pulls a chair out and sits down in it and starts to eat. Annie skips over and does the same. Josie turns back toward the table. She looks at Annie’s plate, then Hanna’s plate, and huffs loudly. “This is what the fuck I’m talking about.” Hanna doesn’t look up. Annie does. “What is it Josie?” Josie sharply flings her finger toward Annie, stopping inches from her face. “You shut up.” Annie freezes and her eyes dart away from Josie and she sinks into her chair. Josie glares at Hanna who is ignoring her. “Petty shit. Really?” Hanna finally speaks. “What… Petty? What are you talking about?” Josie scoffs and starts toward the stairs. “You know what, fuck it, doesn’t matter.” She whips around and jumps up the stairs. The sisters stay staring in that direction for a moment longer, before they quietly go back to eating. Josie once again retreats back into her room and sits back on her bed, tears once again well up in her eyes, and once again she flops back onto her pillow and cowers into the corner of her own mind, until she hears Annie’s voice call her name from downstairs. “We’re leaving!” Again, the same run-down bus with its sticky aisle and seats with rips in the grey vinyl. Again, the same route to school. Again, Josie watches the twins in front of her, and Hanna’s eyes follow the same German flag as they pass by it, and Annie makes fun of her. This time, though, Hanna doesn’t even bother rolling her eyes, and Annie awkwardly looks at the floor afterward. Then back at Josie. Josie nearly jumps. Annie quickly turns her head away from her. She wishes she had her hoodie now. When the bus arrives, the three sisters get off and walk to their classes in silence. The twins go down their hallway. Josie keeps walking straight towards hers through the same dim hallway she walks down every day. She enters the room silently with her arms tightly crossed against her body and her head down. She glances at her desk and sees him sitting in the desk beside it, already playing Factorio on his laptop. Her eyes widen and her heart starts beating faster. She scans the room to try to find another empty desk, despite her legs continuing on her usual route, but there’s not one. She lowers her head as she approaches her desk. She sits down with a sigh, making sure Jeremy notices her. He glances over, then back at his laptop. She stares down at the desk and glances back and forth at it and him, shaking, her face already turning red, trying desperately to quiet the racing thoughts and subdue the butterflies that are causing a tornado in her stomach. Jeremy is defending against a wave of enemies in the game. Finally, she turns her head toward him, her eyes trained on the floor still, and speaks. “Hey.” He responds without turning his head. “Hey.” She pauses. Now what. “So um. What’s up.” Again, he doesn’t turn his head. “Nothin. Just playing this game.” Factorio “Factorio?” “Yeah.” You must really like that game, huh? “You um. That game. You like it.” “Yeah.” She pauses again, and starts looking around the room at the other students. The wave of enemies is thinning out. “Um. So. Have you met any… um… cool people since you got here?” He doesn’t respond for a minute. “Not really. Besides you I guess.” Oh my god. “Oh. Um. You… think I’m cool?” “I mean. I guess so.” Oh my god. The wave is done. Jeremy saves and quits and closes his laptop. He finally looks at her and surveys her tomato face. “Uh. Your face is red.” She instantly covers her face with her hands and tries to turn away. She really wishes she had her hoodie now. “Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing.” Jeremy sits there still looking at her. The teacher finally steps up to the front of the class and begins the lecture. Jeremy stares off into space. Josie keeps her face buried in her hands or her arms, sneaking looks at him throughout class. He doesn’t notice. At the end of class Josie quickly stands up before anyone else does. She looks at Jeremy who is slowly and deliberately packing his bookbag. She stutters a bit before she catches the words. “AP Calc.” He looks over at her. “Huh?” She shuffles a bit. “AP Calc. That’s your next class right?” “Oh yeah… Wait, how did you know that?” She glances around nervously. “You… told me yesterday.” He stares blankly for a moment. “Oh. I guess I did.” He finishes packing and stands up. Her eyes follow his face as he rises up, forgetting how tall he is. He slings his bookbag on and stands there looking at her. Suddenly she’s shaking and her heart is beating fast again. I want to walk with you to your class. “Um. What room is that in.” He tries to remember for a moment. Then states the room number mechanically. “Oh. I um. Have my next class near there.” She does not have her next class near there. Jeremy stares while she contemplates her next move. “Do you wanna… Um… Do you wanna walk… together?” Her lips are tight and she’s already looking at the floor to conceal her red face. Jeremy stands there for a moment. “I mean. Sure.” OH MY GOD. “Um. Okay.” She starts walking. He follows behind her. They walk through the dim hallway, crowded with kids now, towards Jeremy’s classroom. She forces small talk while struggling to walk straight. He looks straight ahead over the heads of the kids in the hallway. “Um… so… what have you been up to recently?” He’s silent for a moment. “I don’t know. School mostly. Calc is a lot.” He pauses. “I only play games in English cause it’s boring.” She forces an awkward laugh. He glances down at her, expressionless. She looks away. “...Yeah. It’s boring.” Silence between them as they continue. She looks up at him and blushes then quickly looks back down at the floor. Oh my god. “So um… Do you… Do you play any other games?” “Not really. I mean, I guess I like Terraria.” “Oh… That’s cool…” “Yeah.” A pause. He stutters a bit. “Um… do you… do you play any games?” OH MY GOD. “Not… really…” “Oh. Okay.” They get near the entrance of Jeremy’s classroom and they stop in the hallway. She’s still looking at the floor. He’s staring blankly at her. What are you doing? Go into your classroom! He doesn’t go. “So. What’s your next class.” “Oh um… It’s… that one.” She jams a thumb behind her, pointing at nothing. The closest classroom is special ed. He glances there. Then he looks at her. “Oh. Okay.” He continues to stand there, just staring at her. Her eyes dart around and her heart beats a bit faster. Go away! The tardy bell rings. Jeremy looks at the entrance to the room “Okay. See ya.” Josie looks up at him one more time and watches him lumber into the classroom. “Bye…” Josie turns away and wanders down the now empty hallway replaying and analyzing the entire conversation in her head again as it just happened. Every moment of eye contact. Every shift in tone of voice. Her heart flutters at the realization: I have a chance. She ducks into the bathroom, a different, cleaner one than last time, and just scrolls on her phone, mindlessly. Bombarded with videos of couples and girls making cheesy romantic jokes about their boyfriends. At first she’s nauseous and her chest feels empty no matter how deeply she breathes. But again: I have a chance. The typical nausea fades away and she catches her breath and starts gently smirking, feeling faux-relatability to these manufactured situations in the videos. She blinks and it’s lunchtime. She hears the bell ring from the hallway and the immediate loud horde of kids pouring out of classrooms and into the hallway. She gently opens the stall door and walks out into the hallway, trying her best to keep her head down. She wanders into the lunch room and sits at her normal seat at the edge of the table without getting any food and pulls out her phone and continues to scroll through the same videos she was watching in the bathroom. She glances over to the other end of the table, where the soccer girls sit. Hanna is there today, at the edge, just like Josie. Hanna catches Josie’s glance. They both quickly look away from each other. Josie scans the room, watching other kids laughing, talking, until she sees Jeremy. He’s sitting on the edge of a small group whose bodies are all turned toward each other, and away from him. But he simply eats his food, head down, disengaged from the world around him. Suddenly he stops, pulls his phone out of his pocket, types something quickly, then sets it face down on the table. Josie feels a zap of rage and stands up. Annie. She slowly walks toward Jeremy. As she’s doing so, her heart begins to beat faster and faster and begins to shake. What was rage a second ago is now nervous nausea. But she continues anyway. She sits down across the table from him. He glances up. “Hey.” She stares at him. Then tries to keep down an awkward smile as she instinctively turns her head away. “...Hey.” He takes a bite of his food. “What’s up.” “Oh. Nothing. I just… Saw you here. And um. Yeah.” “Okay.” She glances behind her shoulder. Then her other one. “Um. So. Do you um. Are you interested in… like…” Her voice trails off. “What?” She shuffles in her seat. “Like… do you talk to girls… and stuff…” He shrugs. “I mean. Yeah. What do you mean.” “...I mean… like… romantically” He looks down at his food. “Not really.” Her heart sinks a little. He takes another bite of his food and chews and swallows it before answering. “Well, do you, like, know many girls here yet?” He pauses, then answers. “Uh. Not really. I mean, I guess I know you, and like, maybe another.” He takes a sip of milk from the carton. “I don’t really know many people here yet. Like I already told you.” She tenses up as he finishes saying that and sighs. “Who’s the other girl.” “Oh. She’s in my class. “What class.” “History.” Josie slightly grits her teeth but conceals it. Jeremy finishes eating his food and pushes his tray to the side. “Why do you want to know.” Josie forces an awkward smile and stutters before catching herself. “Oh… um… No reason… really. I mean… it’s just my… um… my sister… Annie… she mentioned, um, your name this morning.” Jeremy stops and slightly furrows his brow. “Annie is your sister?” Josie tenses up again and looks at the ground. “Um… yeah…” Jeremy picks up his phone slowly and puts it in his pocket and glances around for a second. “Um. Huh. I would not have… thought that.” Josie looks away and starts nervously shifting in her seat. “Um… Yeah. She’s… my sister. She said you messaged her. And she was really excited.” Jeremy looks past Josie. “Yeah… I just like, asked her if she wanted to hang out or something. She’s fun to talk to.” Josie feels a sense of dread creep over her. Not me. Her. Her? “Do… do you think she’s… cool?” He looks over to his left at nothing in particular. “Yeah. She’s cool.” Josie forces a smug expression and leans in closer. Jeremy slightly leans away from her. “Is… she cooler than me?” Jeremy goes to stand up. “Uh. I dunno…” He grabs his bag and tray and turns to leave. “Um. I gotta go. I got like… an assignment I gotta do. See ya.” She watches him leave out the cafeteria door. Once he’s out of sight she drops her head into her arms and sighs. Tears begin to well in her eyes. I don’t get it. ... Actually. I do. As the school day comes to a close, Josie sits in the back of her classroom gazing out the window. Thick, oppressive clouds have rolled in, teasing a storm, and the budding leaves on the trees are shaking in the wind. The bell rings and she hops up and squirms her way through the crowded hallway and pushes the door open to the hill beside the bus lot. The humid air hugs her tightly. She can hear a distant roll of thunder as she scans the bus lot proper. And then she sees him. Jeremy is leaning up against the wall of the school with his hands jammed in his pockets and his giant bookbag sitting on the ground beside him. She glances at the twins’ tree. Hanna is standing there, gazing out toward the bus lot as well. Josie follows her gaze and sees Annie walking in Jeremy’s direction. She gasps and starts race-walking down the hill and through the bus lot, bumping into kids who glare at her as she charges past them. She reaches Jeremy. He looks down at her. Out of breath, she coughs: “Hey.” “Uh. Hey.” Josie glances behind her shoulder. Annie, still a few yards away, glances up. She stops in her tracks when she sees Josie, and slowly turns back around and walks back toward the tree. Jeremy watches Annie turn around and then looks back down at Josie. Josie catches her breath and looks up at Jeremy and tries to speak. “Um. Sorry. I just… I dunno… I’m…” Jeremy stares blankly as Josie trips over her words. “Jeremy. I um. I like you.” She glances up at his face. Jeremy stares blankly. She looks back down. “I um. Wanted to ask if I could… if I could get your number. Or something.” Jeremy scratches the bridge of his nose. “Uh. I–” Josie cuts him off. “Or Discord or something. I know numbers are, like, personal.” He winces at the mention of Discord. “Uh. Josie, I’m not… Like… I’m kinda just not really… interested…” Her heart drops and she looks up at him with big eyes. “Like. I don’t really know you that well…” His voice trails off. “We can get to know each other!” “I don’t know.” She wrings her hands and her eyes dart between the ground and his face. A lump is forming in her throat. Jeremy continues: “I mean, like, you’re cool, and stuff, but I’m just not–” She cuts him off again, staring more intently into his eyes as tears begin to well. She steps closer. Jeremy stiffens up, his back all the way against the wall now. “But… What if I don’t even like you like that! It’s just as, like, as friends or something!” Jeremy steps off to the side. Josie closes the distance immediately. “Josie. I’m not interested. Sorry.” He grabs his bookbag and she watches him lumber off into the crowd, a bit faster than usual. She sees his bus pull up and he boards it. First. A tear begins to crawl down her cheek, and she covers her face with her hands and shuffles around the corner of the building. A few kids that are smoking cigarettes see her and stare as she drops her bookbag and curls up, her knees to her chest, against the brick wall. Then they turn away. The bus ride home this time is torture. Josie is curled in the back seat wiping away tears. The twins glance back at her periodically and whisper between themselves. At their stop, they get off the bus and wait for Josie. When she gets off the bus, she walks right past them. Annie jogs after her. Hanna watches. The storm clouds are darker and the wind is picking up, throwing the occasional raindrop onto the ground. Annie reaches Josie but Josie doesn’t stop. “Josie! Stop!” She keeps going. “Josie!” Josie jumps up the doorstep and walks into the house, the door slamming shut behind her. Hanna begins to walk towards the house now, and Annie is racing after Josie. The thunder rolls again and more raindrops begin to fall. Annie enters the house, leaving the door open for Hanna, who runs in just as the rain begins to pour. By this point, Josie is already in her room with the door closed. Annie jumps up the stairs and knocks on Josie’s door. A muffled scream from Josie: “Fuck off!” Annie drops her arms to her sides. “Josie, please.” “No, fuck off.” Hanna slowly walks up the stairs and stands behind Annie. Annie tries again. “Josie, can we please talk for a second.” Silence for a moment, until Josie rips open the door, glaring at the twins under her hair. “What the fuck do you want.” Annie steps back. “I… just wanted to ask what was wrong. I saw you were upset on the bus, and you were talking to Jeremy-” Josie snaps. “You. You are what’s wrong. You fucking stole him.” Annie furrows her brow and tilts her head to the side and looks at Josie. “What?” Josie’s eyes widen and she steps out into the hallway, glaring at Annie. Hanna steps off to the side. “You know what I’m talking about. You take everything. Both of you always take everything. I try to make one real connection. ONE. And you fucking take him from me.” Annie looks down at the ground. “I didn’t… take anything…” “You know what you did.” “He messaged me one time! Once! And I didn’t even know you two were talking to each other!” “When is your fucking little date?” “What?” “Nevermind. Fuck you Annie. Get the fuck away from me.” Hanna finally interjects. “Josie. You’re an asshole.” Josie glares at Hanna. “What?” Hanna steps closer. “She didn’t do anything.” Josie glances at Annie, then back at Hanna. Hanna continues. “You do this to yourself.” Hanna starts off toward her room. Josie yells after her. “Fuck does that mean?” Hanna ignores Josie and enters the room and shuts her door, leaving Josie and Annie standing in the hallway alone. Josie glances at Annie who is looking at the ground and softly crying. She stares for a moment in silence. Annie glances over at Josie, and quickly looks away. You do this to yourself… She slowly retreats back into her room and shuts the door. The rain pounds on her window. She stands in the dark, listening to it. She flops over onto her bed, staring at the ceiling, and a single tear rolls down her cheek. In the hallway, Annie wipes away her last one, walks into her room, and shuts the door. Josie’s eyes grow heavy while the images of the day run through her mind. She sighs as she rolls over and closes her eyes as the sound of the rain lulls her to sleep.

And that's it! Recently I've been completely swamped with coursework and stuff, so I wasn't able to make the amount of progress in the amount of time I would have liked. But I hope you enjoyed it! More entries possibly?

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-T-